"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."
"Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago.' 'I don't know,' the general replied. 'It's only 20.27 now."
"There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared."
"Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake."
"We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left."
"The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on."
"In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."
"The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers."
"Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge."
"The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every night for 17 years by snoring has at last found the answer. He's going to sleep in another room."
Arnold Crump a 6ft, hamfisted, hairy drunk with a short temper, acne, bad breath, dandruff, and fleas was named today as Britain's most unwanted man....
A new publishing venture was announced today, the Stock Breeders Gazette and Playboy Magazine are to join to produce the Farmer Sutra...
What a sad loss to the comedy world that he is no longer with us.
And finally, the unforgetable:
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